If you’re reading this post, you’re probably wondering where the title of this blog comes from and what it means to me. It’s a rather long story (see short version below if you just want a summary lol), but I will tell it for you as best as I can, it is my own after all.
SHORT VERSION: Have you ever woken up from a dream feeling terrified and startled because the dream seemed more real than your physical reality? This is how I felt when I “woke up”. Now I say “wake up” meaning that one day my Higher Self knocked on my head to see if anyone was home and then shook me out of the deepest daydream I have ever had- my whole life. This awakening shattered many misperceptions I had about my life within a matter of days. The best thing I can think of is to relate this to The Matrix when Neo emerges from his cocoon and finds out that his whole life has been a mental construction in a computer generated world. This was completely unnerving to say the least! I was totally freaking out but felt like if I talked about what I was thinking that I would be laughed at, instantly written off as a freak, or worse- mentally ill. I was afraid to talk about what I was going through with EVERYONE. I was pushing my loved ones away from me in fear of losing them, but that is exactly what I was doing by remaining silent about my experience. Looking back now that the storm is long gone, I see that fall 2015 was the time of my Kundalini awakening. My Kundalini energy was very suddenly awakened from its slumber before I knew how to control its power. I did not know how to deal with all of the energy inside of me and I nearly destroyed my life within a matter of weeks. I was restless and insatiable, full of fear and distress. I felt more lost than ever yet also more alive than ever. It took me around 9 months to “readjust” after my Kundalini awakening. This really started in 2016 when I took action to become my greatest version of my Self. I began eating a plant-based diet (I recently shifted to eating vegan) and deepened my meditation practice. I desperately and obsessively learned anything I could about spirituality (I have the book collection to prove it!), ranging from the way it was practiced in ancient civilizations to the way it is explained today by Quantum Physics. I couldn’t absorb knowledge fast enough. I had a terrible time completing my school work during this time because all I wanted to study was spirituality! After about five months of this frenzied spiritual searching, I was finally tired of never finding answers and began to shift my search inward into the deep depths of my Being. This is when I truly embraced my own awakening and allowed it to transform me into who I am now. This is Embrace Awakening.
LONG VERSION: It was mid-August of 2015. I was living at home for the rest of the summer, spending days home alone without a car or friends to go hang out with as they were all back in school already. It was the perfect time to become best friends with my Self. And that’s exactly what ended up happening. Unknowingly, I was about to leave Rachel as I knew her behind forever. Unknowingly, I would never look back.
I began spending my days watching videos on YouTube about spirituality, ancient history, and consciousness (I’m sure I’ll write about some of these in the future). I was manically obsessed with watching these videos. I binged on them for about a week. I was questioning everything I had ever taken as a truth, including the identity that I had formed for myself. Alongside my speed-consumption of new knowledge, I upped the frequency and the depth of my meditations. I learned how to activate my chakras. I learned how to feel and raise my own vibration. I began my healing/purifying process without knowing really what I was getting myself into. This is when my Kundalini energy was first awakened.
In fall 2015, I learned how the association with the ego is a false identity that distorts our perceptions and keeps us separated from Love. I learned this lesson a very hard way, nearly destroying myself and shutting the door on the soul I hold most dearly to my own. My ego sensed my Kundalini awakening, it sensed that I would soon see through its deception, its maya, and it came up with a plan to make me come running back to it by ruining my external life. My ego was trying to keep me from breaking free and realizing the truth about my Higher Self. My ego manipulated the power of my newly awakened and untamed Kundalini to use it against me, creating Darth Rachel The Destroyer. My ego was fighting with all its might to keep me as its lifelong prisoner. Rachel was tragically drowning in her ego, not even aware that it wasn’t her Self who was destroying her.
It was only in my darkest nights that I was able to see myself for what I had become, and I absolutely hated the reflection. I am not sure if I have ever experienced a stronger feeling of uncontrollable rage and self-loathing than I did in that time. I wanted nothing to do with this monster. It had taken over Rachel in the time when she was most vulnerable and it had distorted her into a ball of powerful, furious, fearful energy. For anyone who has ever met me- this wasn’t me at all. It felt like I had really been taken over by a Sith, it was terrifying how lost I was. I have never felt so mentally unstable in my life.
It took 10 weeks of weekly counseling to really start letting go of my deeply rooted anger. It was winter of 2016 and I was now starting to see past the illusions of my ego and making the conscious choice to leave my ego in the background. The emotional storms from my Kundalini energy had subsided and I was feeling much more stable. By springtime, I had built up the courage to begin seeking answers within my Self. This is when I learned to truly embrace my awakening. I learned to address my Self with love and acceptance in every moment. I also began to approach my social encounters in this manner as well. I would wake up and go to sleep affirming to myself, “I am love, I am light” and I really began to feel this as truth.
I experienced new ways of perceiving my energy during this time as well. My meditations became even deeper and more renewing. I could physically hear and feel my energetic vibration in moments of stillness. I was aware of my Kundalini flowing through my chakras and could feel energy radiating from and around my physical body. Trippy, right? This is the story behind Embrace Awakening. My sincerest hope in sharing my personal journey of awakening is to spread the raising of consciousness, self-love, and self-acceptance.